50 Questions to Ask Your Dad About His Life
Fifty questions for a conversation many fathers would happily have and almost never start themselves.
Heritaris Editorial Team9 min read
Plenty of fathers are more forthcoming than they are given credit for. What they usually lack is an opening. A direct question, asked in a setting where nobody has to make eye contact, tends to work better than any amount of encouragement to open up.
Cars are good. So are long walks, kitchens at the end of an evening, and any activity that gives the hands something to do. The conversation goes further when it is not the only thing happening.
A note on tone: these questions are meant to be asked plainly. Asking your father what he was afraid of will land better if it sounds like curiosity than if it sounds like the beginning of a ceremony.
50 questions to ask your dad
Boyhood
- What did you do with yourself all day as a boy?
- What was your father like to live with?
- What did you and your father do together, if anything?
- What were you punished for?
- What was the first thing you were properly good at?
- What did you own that you loved?
Adolescence
- Who were you at sixteen?
- What did you and your friends get up to that your parents never found out about?
- What did you think you would become?
- Were you ever in a fight, and what was it about?
- What car, bike or machine mattered to you then?
- What was the moment you stopped being a boy?
Work
- What was your first job, and what did you learn from it?
- How did you end up in the work you did?
- Who was the best boss you ever had, and what made them good?
- What was the hardest day of your working life?
- What did you make or fix that you were proud of?
- Did work ever take more from the family than it should have?
Friendship
- Who was your closest friend, and how did that friendship start?
- What did you do together that you would not do now?
- Have you lost touch with someone you regret losing?
- Who could you call at three in the morning?
- What do your oldest friends know about you that we don't?
Love
- Who came before Mum, and what happened?
- What did you think when you first saw her?
- How did you work up to asking?
- What did her family make of you?
- What have you learned about staying married?
Fatherhood
- What did you feel the first time you held me?
- What did you think a father was supposed to be?
- Where did you get that idea from?
- What did you find hardest about raising us?
- What are you glad you did?
- What would you do differently?
Mistakes
- What is the worst decision you ever made?
- What did it cost, and how long did it take to recover?
- Who did you let down?
- What did you learn that only a mistake could have taught you?
- Is there something you would apologise for if you could go back?
Ambitions
- What did you want that you never got?
- Is there a version of your life you sometimes imagine?
- What did you give up on, and was it the right call?
- What are you still hoping to do?
- What would you do with a free year?
Stories worth keeping
- What is the funniest thing that has ever happened to you?
- What is the closest call you have had?
- What is the story you tell every Christmas, told properly this time?
Advice
- What advice were you given that turned out to be right?
- What should I know about money, work or people that you learned the hard way?
- What do you hope I understand about you?
One practical suggestion
Record it. Fathers who are unwilling to sit for an interview are often perfectly happy to be recorded during a drive, and the difference between a memory of the conversation and the conversation itself is enormous. Our recording guide covers how to do it without making anyone self-conscious. If you want a longer arc, the hundred life story questions follow a life from the first memory to the last reflection.